Looking Back

Last summer I was doing an exercise on revisiting childhood through the lens of emotion.  It was an intriguing journey and at the time I was not inclined to share, but today as I was looking back through my notes, I was inspired.  Our beliefs form our existence, in ways we often ignore.  When we start to look at these beliefs and where they come from, we are often led down the path of our childhood.

We relegate these childhood memories and the emotions that they invoke to those dark recesses of our minds that we rarely dust the cobwebs off.  Yet they form integral parts of our psyche and we often react based on their influence.  I highly recommend a trip down memory lane, look at pictures, do a meditative regression, what ever works for you.  Focus not only on the memory but the emotion that is invoked.  Looking back is important to our journey moving forward, its hard to change our beliefs if we don't understand where they came from.

Here is an exert from my journal last summer.  Its an example of looking back for the emotions that childhood memories bring forward.

My first memory of joy is difficult to pinpoint. As a child we experience it so readily there's not a lot of differentiation from the day to day. looking back I know that getting lassie for my fourth birthday was joyful and getting my horse the summer I was three was also a great source of joy for me. But these are moments that I know now look back to and see you in a different light. At the time it was just the way of my life. I chased butterflies and made box traps for birds and squirrels. I rescued a baby Canadian goose. I spent hours playing in a brook or riding my horses. My life was a series joyful days. 
Now if I go back to the same time. And look for grief these stick out to me. Losing my pony too a careless hunter. My Lassie dog being attacked and almost killed by another dog. (there is huge anger here not held back by the restraints of society) my other grandfather passing on when I was six. Death was a part of life. My family didn't shield me or make excuses. We lost pets and family members, we grieve and moved on knowing there were always close by in spirit. 
The ups and downs of teenage hood the loss of my innocence. I'm not sure I grieved that properly. It was chalked up to life experiences. One that I was responsible for and I moved on. In one way I was cold and cynical, yet I still believed in love and loved with all my heart.
Children change how you perceive joy and grief. My heart swells with love and pride. My heart has gaping holes for I feel my biggest failures reside inside, all because of children. Yet life moves on we adapt and we grow. 
Happiness does come from inside. My heart breaks for those who cannot find that spark of light deep inside their heart. I have never understood that depth of sorrow and disillusionment that leads one to end this existence and truthfully I don't want to. I never want to be in the place they go when they feel there is no future.

 I discovered many things about myself during this exercise and I hope that my sharing can inspire you to look back and find more about yourselves and this journey of life we are all on.